Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Carving Out My Own Little Space

You may be asking, what do these two things have to do with each other?

For me, everything.

I've had a blog for years now with various names but in the last few years I've done very little with it. I've been a half ass mommy blogger, a half ass book blogger, and a half ass mental health blogger. And there was that brief embarrassing stint when I thought I could be a DIY and craft blogger. The only thing that remains of that is my blog name Whole Latte Ideas.

Like Emilia Fart, I have wanted to sit at the cool kids table. For me that means being accepted as a blogger who's made it. Having thousands of people read my posts. Going viral. Being accepted as someone who has a blog so cool I make Top 50 Best Blog Lists. Being so clever and popular that someone offers me a book deal. At the very least being noticed. (After posting this I checked my visitor number at the bottom of my blog and with shock realized the idea that I'm not being noticed at all is completely in my head.)

The truth is I stopped caring about my blog because I felt no one noticed me. No one cared what I had to say. No one read my posts. No one joined my readathons or reading challenges. I did however once have a blog post on creating crib bar bumper pads from pool noodles that got hundreds of views but I was never able to recreate that kind of enthusiasm for anything else I posted. It was my one and only blogging achievement.

As a blogger and writer I've been completly adrift. Not blocked. I've had a million things to say but I've been too damn scared to write them or post them.

I actually saw Cara's tweet about a blog being someone's own little space before I saw Emilia's video. It feels both totally random and like something in the stars aligned and it was meant to be. When I saw the tweet I thought about how I've had this blog for years, my own little space for years, and how I've done nothing with it.


Because I always wanted it to be some huge production. I wanted it to be something big. Like a beautiful wordy Instagram post of what I imagine my life to be and what I want anyone who reads my blog to believe my life to be. I didn't have the courage to just be myself. Like Emilia, part of me just wanted to fit in. Be liked. Hell, be paid attention to. I was so afraid of rejection that I hardly ever posted anything.

As I watched Emilia's video, I realized I can't be rejected and ignored if I never even put anything out there. Another wise thing Emilia asks in the video is "Do numbers even matter?" Does it really matter how many people read my blog, how many followers I get, or likes I get? Emilia asks if the numbers are even something real.

I'd like to go further down the rabbit hole and ask:.Are the numbers real if I'm someone fake?

I don't want my blog to be some fake Instagram version of me. I want to be my real, authentic self. And maybe people will visit my blog and read my posts and maybe they won't. Regardless this will my own little space that I carved out for myself.